The Value Of Friendship

(Originally posted June 1, 2007)

since joinging up on facebook, i've gotten to reconnect with so many old friends. but i'm constantly bombarded with happy memories. that may seem like a good thing, but it joften ust reminds me that all i have are memories - i have no friends here. i'm not making memories, except with phil . i always have to add that part, but really your husband can't be the only human contact you have. it's not enough. i'm talking to friends and reliving memories from many different previous lives - all of them with very strong, very happy memories. and i sit here remembering those times, wishing i could relive them, and wondering if i will ever be happy like that again, if i'll ever have friends again. if i'll ever make people laugh again. if i'll ever make people spontaneously hug me with gratitude.
i'm expieriencing acute sorrow. and i think i'm almost ready to gather myself together and start my new life. i don't feel bad that it took me this long to sort everything out. all the changes i went through... it was too much information to absorb at once. now things have kind of settled and i have a better idea of my goals - as opposed to my one single goal for the first few months of life in montreal: don't die.

connecting with old friends on facebook just confirms the nagging doubt i had all through my school years where good marks were most important to me: friendship is important. spending time with people is important. that's something that sometimes struck me about movies and tv shows: people in these shows have work to do... but you never see them studying or working on the show. no, of course not. you see them hanging out with their friends and spending time with people. and in the back of my mind i knew that this was a sign that relationships are what lasts, what matters. looking back on my life, i don't remember how many times i got a good mark on my test. i don't remember what my marks from high school or even university were - i remember the parties i went to. i remember the nights spent with my friends. and part of me sighs, because i put so much energy into marks. my job this year has shown me just how little those marks are worth in real life. this year has given me a great deal of frustration and fear, but it has also given me a chance to do some real soul searching. i've spent a lot of time reflecting on what is important to me, where i have been and where i want to go. my experience with facebook has really shown me that friendships and memories last forever. and, for the first time in a very long time, i'm feeling the desire to do what it takes to become a good friend. a really good friend. not just the sort of friend who will do anything for you the moment you ask - i want to become the sort of friend who hangs out with you and can sense when you need something. the kind of friend who is really involved in your life. i wasn't this kind of friend with any of my friends in newfoundland. i guess after moving around so much my whole life i was just scared to get involved because i knew i'd just have to move away again. i was more focused on the pain of leaving and missing them than on all the fabulous memories i could make with them. i was also incredibly insecure in high school, and (at least socially speaking) for most of university as well. i held all my friends at arm's length - loved them dearly, but hung back because i was so scared of rejection. i guess i spent so much time studying because it was easy, formulaic: work hard, get a good mark, feel good about yourself.

...now that i've had a chance to reflect on who i am and what i like and what my personality is and all that sort of stuff, i'm not as scared of social situations as i used to be. i think i'm ready to invest in my friendships now and not worry so much about whether i say the right thing or react the right way. it all works out... and i want very much to have lots more happy memories to look back on, instead of having love affairs with term papers.

i'm growing up.