Don't change

When I was young (grade 7-grade 12), the number one piece of advice people gave me was: "don't change". I have many memories of this… when one of my friends was moving away, she wrote down for me her new contact information, and underneath it she wrote "you're so sweet, don't ever change". My grade 7 Tech Ed teacher (I will never forget this) called me up to his desk on day while everyone else was working and told me not to change. He said that when I grew up people would get mad and be rude and mean, but that I shouldn't change for them or because of them. At the time, I was completely confused by what he was saying. I kind of still am, but I think I understand him a bit more. Over the years I have encountered difficult people and been tempted to be a nasty person just because so many people these days are, and they tend to get what they want, too. But the voices of the dozens of people who have told me not to change have been in the back of my head.
And every time I think about that advice, I question it: how can they tell me not to change? Change is inevitable, especially when you're growing up. I am a very different person now than when I was 13. Goodness, I'm a very different person now than when I was 19, or even 21! I'd like to think that I am still a kind person, but that doesn't mean I haven't changed. I'm a more efficient worker, I'm more organized, more confident, more willing to stick up for myself, more decisive, more independent, less concerned about what other people think about me, less naïve, less willing to put up with other people's crap and bullying, less inclined to accept unfair treatment… in general, I am a much stronger person, but I wouldn't say I'm ruthless. Sometimes I wonder if I would be even more different now if I hadn't had so many voices inside my head telling me not to change. Would I have become completely selfish, caring only for myself? Would I have become a mean person in reaction to all the mean people I've encountered?
I wonder about it a lot. Most of the people who told me not to change are no longer in my life (I wouldn't even know how to track them down) but I still feel like I owe them an explanation… I wonder what they really meant when they said that. I wonder if they feel I have followed their advice or not (not that I would revert to my old self if they didn't approve). They probably have no idea how profoundly their little comments affected me. I often wish I could meet them again and show them what I've become.
"Change is inevitable. Growth is optional."
No one can dispute the fact that I have changed a lot over the past 10 years, but I've always endeavored to keep the best parts of my personality. I'm happy with how I've grown as a person.

Perfection

I've been working for the past little while on a scrapbook to document the fun times my sister and I had while she was visiting me in Montreal this summer. I bought a $1 scrapbook -the kind you used to use in grade 2 - and just started writing down my memories. Being into card-making as I am, I see all kinds of gorgeous scrapbook pages all the time. But that's not the kind of scrapbook I'm trying to create. I just wanted something pretty and fun to remember all the things we did while she was visiting. I made sketches for each page, and some neat drawings… but it's nothing too complicated.
At first, I wasn't sure how to begin or how to arrange the pages or what kind of "look" I wanted… but then I decided to just jump into it. I'm not being super particular or trying to get everything just right or starting over if I make mistakes - which is actually a big step for me. I'm not being careless, but there are still mistakes. And I'm ok with that, which makes me proud of myself. I used to be so concerned with making sure everything I did was perfect - schoolwork, social relations, you name it. Talk about stress! My grades were great because of it, but I always felt mildly panicked when I was in social situations (did I say the right thing? Did I laugh at the appropriate volume and for an appropriate length of time? Was my comment properly timed? Was my facial expression appropriate? …The pressure I put on myself was suffocating!).
This scrapbook adventure has really opened my eyes to the many disadvantages of worrying too much. I haven't been worried about the outcome, I've just been enjoying the process: remembering all the happy times, using my imagination to make it look good, enjoying getting to play with all my craft tools (or "toys", as I like to call them)… It occurred to me a few days ago that I don't often feel this way about card-making because I'm usually so concerned about making sure the card looks just right. Sometimes I think about it, and I fear it's gotten to the point where I put so much pressure on myself to make amazing cards every time that I never take time to just enjoy the paper and markers and glue and ribbon and other wonderful "toys" that I've got at my disposal. I'm often so worried that the outcome won't be perfect that I don't even start, isn't that sad? Well, this scrapbook has changed that. Perfection is no longer the goal - enjoyment is. If I make something beautiful in the process, so much the better.
My new advice to myself: don't let fear of making a few little mistakes along the way keep you from trying or even beginning.